Grandparents, Newborns, and Integrating a New Family

What Happens When You Bring Your New Baby Home? What role will the baby’s grandparents play? How do you start the process of creating your new family culture of love and caring?

Some thoughts about integrating Your New Baby and Your Family. This is your first baby; you are a Millennial Couple, and you have done all the research on baby best practices. You have the newborn layette, the diapers, the special diaper cream, everything. You have the car seat, the stroller, and the rocking chair. The bassinet and crib are set up in the beautiful newly decorated nursery. You have read all the books; you are prepared. After all, you are mature. You have managed to get educated, have a job, and much to your parents’ delight, you have now brought this precious little person into the world. The much-awaited and much-welcomed event you have been waiting for!

It is going to be easy, right? Newborns sleep most of the time, anyway. You will have time to adjust and become the family you’ve dreamed about. Friends have had babies, and some are on their second and third. You are just as smart and can do it, too, you feel. You can now begin this beautiful time together, creating memories moment by moment and establishing a loving home atmosphere. It is going to be great! Or is it?

Let’s hope that all you have to cope with are the normal things of newborns and not any more serious issues. However, everyone is precious, and there is help around every corner, both online and off, to give you advice and help.

As a woman and a new mother, you have heard all the stories your mom told you about your arrival into this world. Perhaps her experience was easy, she was younger than you are now, or perhaps it was difficult, you might have had colic, how did she cope? Did she have help? Was she a stay-at-home mom, or did she also work outside the home? So many variables.

As a man and new father, you may not have heard much about how you were when you were a baby, except that you were wonderful, loved, and treasured. Or maybe you had a bit of colic or some other thing. You may not have heard many of the physical or emotional details. All of a sudden, when you are now a dad, you will have questions for your own mom and dad.

Experience Counts!

Grandparents can make a difference and help start you on the right road with some GRAND PARENTING to create the happy home you envision.

Yes, grandparents can be an amazing resource for the parents of newborns. Family traits, the way they learned to cope, and the advice they were given by their parents and relatives all can give you clues as to what you might need to know now.

If you are unprepared, it can be a bittersweet dance between in-laws, parents, and children. Why not orchestrate the best of the grandparents-to-be by finding out ahead of time how involved they want to be? What are their talents, and what are the best ways that this help will integrate with you and your lives? Managing expectations will be much more harmonious when everyone knows where they will fit the best.

All of us are unique.

Some of us are better at some things than others. Some of us are child-oriented, and some are not. Some of us come from broken homes or have learned family strategies that may not work in every situation. This is why you often hear about the ‘Mother-in-Law’ crowding in. She may be a take-charge sort of woman. Perhaps you are a gentler sort, and you need to work things out ahead of time. A baby can change everything even if you have known each other for years.

A new baby brings out characteristics in family members they learned long ago. Feelings and experiences emerge from the past. Some people repeat the mistakes of others they’ve lived under, and others learn and do something different. Most of us, we hope, have had great parenting models. Life is a journey, and grandparents have most likely found that this journey, in particular, requires lifelong learning, listening, exercising patience, and kindness and pulls out of you all you have to give. In this pulling out, you also receive that which can’t be easily named, a love that transcends time.

When a new baby comes along, a whole new family is born, and a whole new extended family dynamic. The way you interact now will set the stage for years of love, kindness, and great memories! Plus a good foundation for the growing up years of your children.

Remember, you are a family, a team, not adversaries. You work things out for the good of everyone in the family.

“Babies don’t come with a handbook filled with instructions.”

There are so many new things for baby care, from strollers that are also carriages and fit car seats.

If your baby fits into all the accepted advice patterns, awesome! You are in for a great time. Some advice I was given when my first child was a newborn continues to be sage advice.

Chances are you may feel overwhelmed, you and your partner may be sleep deprived, and you are wondering how you will cope. Somehow, your baby did not read the same books you did, and so now, what do you do? Not only do you have a new baby to care for, but you also have an extended family eager to see and share.

Here is what most of the books say… and if, as I just mentioned, your baby did not read these instructions before arriving in your loving arms… here are some other things that can help you.

Things to remind yourself about starting on Day One…

• Trust Yourself. Your baby chose YOU!
• Yes, get help. If you have not planned for it ahead, enlist your family to help. Your child’s grandparents can be the biggest blessing FOR YOU at this time. Understand how to accept this help while maintaining your own autonomy.
• Remember, grandparents mostly want to help because they love to. This does not mean you should take advantage of them. Appreciation can take many forms. Sometimes, the best thing is to spend time with you. Family occasions, picnics, and outings with grandparents also enrich your children’s lives. Memories impact us throughout our lives.
• These days, grandparents may also work full-time or part-time or take time off to help you out. Remember, family is always family.
• Take One Day at a time.
• BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF AND YOUR PARTNER
• Remember, kindness, love, and patience last a lifetime and set the stage for years to come.
• Every day will get better, and you will be better every day! Experience Counts.
• Make sure you have time alone as your family so you can establish how you function together. Having family around a lot is wonderful, but you need to make time for your immediate family.
• That being said -unfortunately, grandparents and aged relatives may not be there as long as we wish. Including them in our lives is important. When you look back later, you will be happy you took the time. To be in close approximation with elders also is extremely important for children. Often they learn about how to be as adults from how you treat extended family.

The Bare Basics

Before you come home with your baby.

As with every event in life that we must plan for, we should have a game plan well ahead of time. I know this might sound like too much, but everything you ever learned about Project Planning can be ‘really helpful’ now! Get a project planning book to write in or keep track of on your computer or smart device. You will think of lots more as you do your online research, but here are a few basics.

Steps to follow

• Start Planning and recording things in your project planning files during your pregnancy.
• Enlist the dad’s help. Start planning together now. Use each of your strengths, and find workarounds for things you both feel uncomfortable about.
• Communicate, and organize your work, home, and social lives.
• Imagine, enjoy, and love the journey you are about to take together.
• Decide on strategies and methods of communicating with each other when either of you needs to get a break, solve problems, and find ways to cope with everyday situations.

Remember, there will be a new set of hormones and feelings to deal with.

Keeping things lighthearted, loving, and kind will set the atmosphere for coping when you are both possibly sleep-deprived new parents. This is no time for a competition. This is when you can come together as a team in more ways than ever. I know you already are, but it never hurts to re-examine how you make decisions and cope with stress as partners now because when you have this new little one to take care of, you will want to know you can work things out without a meltdown.

Steps to Success

• Who will be visiting your baby in their first few weeks? Ask your parents and close relatives who will be visiting to get the Tdap vaccine which protects them, you, and your baby against tetanus, diphtheria, and pertussis (or whooping cough). Anyone visiting your baby before they are eight weeks old should have an up-to-date Tdap Vaccine.
• Enlist the help of family and friends every step of the way if you can. They often want to help but don’t want to interfere. When anyone asks how they can help put them on the schedule. Be sure also to put down their cell phone numbers and how to reach them quickly. Bear in mind that as schedules go, tasks are subject to alteration due to circumstances. You know, ‘best-laid plans’ well, you will be better able to cope with these when you have a written project plan.
• Prepare the Nursery.
• Prepare the ‘Bring Baby Home Kit,’ including the car seat. Ask your hospital for a list of items they would like you to bring with you.
• Pack a bag for yourself and your partner with all the toiletries, clothing, etc., and some snacks you could need while at the hospital.
• Arrange for a Doula to help you during labor and liaise with the medical staff if you wish. Doulas are trained specialists, but a good friend or family member may be helpful instead.
• Make a checklist of people for your partner to contact when you go into labor and include the scenario you prefer. You can be in the hospital for such a short time these days, and it may not be practical to have parents and close relatives come to see you and the baby while you are there. Best to arrange a time later.

Times have changed

In my experience, people want to respect your wishes; they need to know what your wishes are ahead of time. When most of your parents were having you and your siblings, the ‘rules of the day’ were quite different.

Always consider the frame of reference of what is normal, good, and accepted by the people you are dealing with. They could be altogether well-meaning based on their experience.

Even 20 years ago was a different age than we live in now! Back in my day, if parents did not come to the hospital, they had something wrong. Women most often stayed in the hospital for a week after birth to give them a chance to recover somewhat and learn about baby care from nurse professionals. This time often gave new moms a chance to rest. When they got home, they had to do most things themselves. Now dads help more, and so do relatives.

Family and friends were all ‘supposed’ to visit you during that time. You are almost tossed out cold these days, with nothing more than the assurance, “You will be fine.”

You need help in the beginning. If only to be able to have someone there to make a meal or watch the baby and give you a chance to sleep!

While we are on the subject of how things used to be, in your parent’s days, certain traditions surrounded many life events, not least of which was the birth and welcoming of a new child into the family. At some point, friends would put on a baby shower. Although this is still carried out in many families, there is often no shower at the request of the couple, who prefer what is called a Sip and See event when the baby is about 8 to 10 weeks old. This could be great if you have a model baby who sleeps most of the time in the beginning. If not, you may be asked to participate in the planning more than you wish or have the energy for.

Prepare Ahead

• Clean your home. An old-fashioned Spring Cleaning will save you in the long run and set you up. Remember, both parents will be focused on looking after the baby. Help in this department will make your lives a lot easier.
• Stock your cupboards with staple foods you and your family will need, especially when you plan to nurse. Make extra portions of meals a month before your delivery and freeze the leftovers as freezer meals. It is a good idea to keep these on hand for those times when you just won’t be able to cook. Ordering out is expensive and not always the healthiest choice. If one or more of your parents love to cook, enlist their help. Believe it or not, meal prep is something that often gets left by the wayside.
• In the old days, new moms would be helped by their moms and moms-in-law or aunties during the first three months. This is a wonderful time when planned for that will bring your extended family together not just for the first few months of your newborn’s life but will set up a culture of loving care that will last a lifetime.
• Family is everything! But it doesn’t happen by accident. It happens by design and through inclusion.
• Friends can also become like family if you don’t have parents to help you. Find ways to help each other and enjoy reciprocal arrangements that work for each of you.
• Many mature women have raised a family and don’t have grandchildren who would love to help out. Babies are special. You never get enough of wanting to be with them!

After all, “It takes a village to raise a child.”

I met a woman in a lineup at a bank recently. She was texting her granddaughter, who was just moving out of her parent’s home for the first time. This new acquaintance was so happy at the text her granddaughter shared that she literally shared her happiness on the spot with me, a perfect stranger! She had been invited to her granddaughter’s apartment for the weekend to “hang out!”

Now that kind of relationship is not won overnight.

My new acquaintance and I chatted; further. I remarked that having had my first grandchild recently, and I had a long way to go. We started sharing experiences. It was fun. She had been widowed in the past year and was feeling low and at sea as she was in the process of clearing out her home to downsize. With this news, she started telling me what she planned to bring to her granddaughter. Contemplating our impromptu meeting, I could just imagine the years she had shared with her granddaughter growing up and how things come full circle in our lives.

After Care, or What Happens When You Arrive Home With Baby!

Because my mom and mom-in-law were both elderly and other family members lived at a distance when I brought my first son home from the hospital, even though I had had that week’s rest in the hospital, I couldn’t believe how lonely and overwhelmed I felt. In those days, there was no maternity leave to speak of, and since I had my own business, even more so. Among women, it is well known that you get all the pampering during pregnancy; afterward, it is all about your baby.

Many older cultures have traditions that understand this, and ‘the grannies’ or ‘aunties’ enter to help. You can still hear this period referred to in old movies as “Being in Confinement.” We should take a lesson…

Women often cajoled with words like, “We all did it, dear…” You will be fine.

However, many young women are not fully prepared by their elders these days as to how much help they may need and how their hormones and emotions can play havoc.

A friend related how she just sat in her grandmother’s home and rocked her new son for three months. Fortunately, she had support. Others mention that they can hardly remember that time. Nature has a way of helping you forget how tired you might have been. Through relating this, you can imagine how her grandmother, strong, quiet, and motherly, must have cared for her granddaughter and great-grandson during that time. It portrays the patience and caring of another era, something grandparents of today can find ways to emulate.

Today we know more about postpartum blues, but unless you have gone through it, it can be quite a shock as it often hits the most capable of us “right out of the blue.” The only thing you can do is be patient with yourself, not take things too seriously, and hope to hell you have a kind and loving partner and other family members to help you through it!

I remember when the postpartum blues hit me after the birth of my second child. Having not been through that the first time, I was totally floored by the experience. Fortunately, it did not last long. But I still remember the suddenness of it. All at once, I was turned from a capable woman into a shriveling mess. Thankfully, a wise woman friend of mine reached out to me and helped me through it.

It is hard to cover the whole subject in one article, and as I have previously mentioned, everyone offering advice comes from their own points of reference.

You may enjoy this informative book. Newborn 101: Secrets from Expert Nurses on Preparing and Caring for Your Baby at Home by Carole Kramer Arsenault RN IBCLC with a foreword by Dr. William Camann.

The First Three Months

It is not just about the nutrition and health of our bodies. It is about creating a basis and culture for the health of a couple, their marriage, how a child is brought up, and how to foster the health, love, and understanding of your whole extended family. This has come naturally to many, but not all. What happens when your parents, and the baby’s grandparents, are no longer together? How do step-grandparents work out? Well, some are better, and some are worse than those who are biologically related, but no matter what, all need to be considered.

Building a family is not easy. It does not happen all by itself. It is, though, one of the best things that you will ever build! Our society as a people depends on it.

Early Family Bonding:

Apart from organizing and accepting help from others, you also need to set your boundaries. You and your partner need time alone with your infant to bond and grow as your own family.

A quick word to the grandparents reading this. It is important to take time for yourselves and refuel your energies. You will have more to give. Remember not to rush in; as excited and happy as you are to be a part of this experience. Be sensitive, be encouraging, and be comforting. Remember that the best-laid plans can go awry, so plan to go with the flow. See where you can be of the most help. Sometimes it is just bringing food. Other times it is lending a hand to watch the baby so that mom can get a few much-needed winks herself. Although the new mom is now a mother, remember she needs mothering now herself. All the best of mothering at your disposal, do it now. But do it quietly and as sensitively as possible.

A new mom is often not yet confident in her mothering abilities. Yes, she has given birth, but there is a lot to come next. In many cases, hormones can cause even the most capable women to doubt themselves. Speak kind words of assurance always and only!

Grandparents can be an invaluable help.

As a grandparent, you have been there. How you deal with the new baby can mentor the new parents and encourage them in their new role.

Rocking, singing to, cradling. Doing the ‘Baby Two-Step’ as I call it. The Baby Two-Step is the little rocking dance we do automatically when we pick up a wee baby. Talking sweet talk to the baby even when it cries, saying, “Yes, you tell me all about it.” “Good boy or Good girl.” Your patience and calm will help your own child and child-in-law know what to do, also helping them to be more patient. When your baby cries, it can go right through your heart. I hope as grandparents you live close enough to be there for your children and grand-baby. This is a time when we pass on the family culture of love and caring.

Remember, your children’s home is theirs. As grandparents, we remind ourselves to fit in and respect our children and their spouse’s privacy. Help out, but don’t take over.

We have ideas and things we wish for, which may not be welcomed. As much as we may want to spread pictures across Facebook to show our families at a distance, remember to check with the parents first.

A newborn baby is like a sponge!

The quote from Saint Ignatius of Loyola, “Give me the child for the first seven years, and I will give you the man.” A loving and safe atmosphere sinks into the newborn’s consciousness as well as the loving care they receive. Speak loving and positive words from day one. Discipline comes much later. I firmly believe that the love an infant receives, cuddling, coddling, and cooing, provides a basis for a child’s self-image throughout life.

This also means that new parents need their role models and parents to mentor them through this time. Books are great, but there is nothing like the presence of love and encouragement from your family at this time.

Sometimes the only way we know what our early days were like is through the stories our parents and grandparents told us of what it was like back then. It is a constant reassurance through life’s upheavals to know this. Through observations over the years, I have come to see how this affected various family members and their lives later on. The stories my relatives shared impacted my life in so many wonderful ways.

It is impossible to spoil a baby with affection. This time gives them a feeling of security and love that can be a basis to last a lifetime. You have the privilege and opportunity to “Fall in Love” with this new little baby and establish a bond that will last a lifetime.

A Newborn is Fragile: Handle with care!

Read, listen to good advice, and prepare yourself before the baby arrives. Organize your support system! There are a great many resources online from government agencies on infant and childcare safety. Familiarize yourself with the latest news about “best practices.” Just remember that your baby will be unique and may not fit certain guidelines. If you familiarize yourself with varying safe practices, you will be best equipped to think of something when you need it.

Not all babies can be treated alike. Some do not like to be Swaddled. Read more about the latest studies in that regard at this blog entitled “Swaddling, What If Your Baby Does Not Like It.”

Baby Care

A baby’s head and neck need support. Always use one hand to cradle the head and the other to support the lower portion of the baby’s body when carrying and setting the baby down.

Always wash your hands and ensure that others wash their hands before holding your baby. Make sure the facilities for this are set up with supplies. There are soap dispensers available these days that allow you to reach for the soap without touching taps, soap bars, etc. Make sure there are clean towels or paper towels readily available. Don’t try to do everything yourself; enlist the help of visitors, especially in the early days.

Gently rocking a baby is time-honored. Never shake a baby or throw them up in the air, as this can cause severe issues, even death. Gentle rocking in a rocking chair is great; an exercise ball that you can sit on is also an interesting choice; make sure it is stable beneath you when you sit down on it.

Not all babies like being held the same way. Be sensitive to this. Skin-to-skin contact is especially wonderful for soothing and comforting your baby and establishing a bond for both parents.

Babies love sounds. Talk to your baby, sing, babble, and coo. Even the light sound of you buzzing like a bee can comfort a baby. Music and white noise can also be soothing. A tap running can quiet a baby. Remember a few nursery rhymes too. Do the Baby Dance, a sort of rocking, jiggling, and moving around as you hold the baby. They don’t like to sit still sometimes. Talk to them. Show them different places, like looking out a window or a door. Some babies get bored being in the same spot.

Babies are individuals too. Some are sensitive to different things. If you find unexplained rashes, you may consider eliminating various things used on your baby’s skin. Some babies like to be swaddled and such. Others won’t tolerate being restrained in any way. Some need constant holding, while others are content to sit in a special rocker alone. Some like riding in a car, while others will cry for the whole trip. Some babies need feeding on demand, and others can have a schedule with more time in between. Your baby is unique. They will let you know what they like. Be as patient with yourself as you are with your baby. Until they can talk, you can only guess. There are many types of baby wipes that will be good for your baby’s sensitive skin.

Never leave your newborn baby unattended. If your bedrooms are upstairs, you may want to have a baby station near the kitchen and living room so that you can be close by.

Baby Bottles and Soothers

Some babies will take a pacifier early, and some will not. You may have to purchase several pacifiers before determining which ones your baby will take. The same goes for newborn bottles; one size does not fit all. There are so many different kinds of baby bottles available it could take some research. Some bottles are specific for babies with colic. For this reason, it is a good idea to purchase only the smallest amount you will need at the outset and add more when you find the exact type that suits your baby’s needs.

Nursing your baby is the most beneficial to them unless there is a medical reason not to do so. Give yourself time to get used to it. Nursing can be painful initially, but that changes with proper self-care. Whatever you decide is your choice, and you know you are doing all you can.

You will be great parents! Have trust in your love for your baby. The Bottom Line is you know your child best!

GRAND PARENTING begins with how you integrate your new family with your extended family. Growing together day by day. As the saying goes, “No man is an island.” We are all individuals with our foibles, flaws, and failings. We are unique in capabilities, insights, and mannerisms. Let’s free each other to be ourselves within our families and appreciate all the wonderful variety we have to offer.

Grandparents are loved and revered for a reason. With their roots of experience grounded in the past, their influence on your family culture is all-important for its future health and that of our society. Never forgotten even when they are gone. The love and care of parents can’t be replaced! Spend time passing down your Grand Parenting Skills. It is all worth it!

If you are looking for a list of things you will need to buy for your baby’s arrival, follow the link to this blog post entitled “Things You Need For Your New Baby’s Arrival.”